As I started writing one article, I found a million other things that I also wanted to write about that would take more time and research than I have days for right now, and now I has a sad :(
It’s that feeling you get when your reading list is seemingly wildly out of control and you feel like you’ll never be able to read all the things you want to
People who consider the philosophy of immortality then imagine that nobody would want to live forever
haven’t seen my to see/feel/read/do/help/accomplish list.
Here’s to trying to beat the clock.
Oh god, it’s happening.
I’m running every day, rain or shine.
I’ve switched from coffee to tea.
I am smoking less.
And I’m so content with this change.
The structure of my life is coming back.
A three year hiatus from living was getting very old.
I still have flashbacks to the horrible things that have happened, but they no longer affect me the entire day.
I’m able to process the emotions.
Or at least I feel like I am, and that’s new so I’m going to fucking run with it as fast as I can.
The mourning period is over.
Normality has almost been restored.
This dog is sleeping now,
and I don’t think about my dead friends as much anymore.
I ran 3.5 miles before going to sleep (for 3 hours) last night and woke up from my late night nap only to tackle my morning run like this. Exhaustion hasn’t hit me yet and I’m not sure it will this week.
I f***ing love the rain and thunderstorms because on a clear day the sky is boring. Yeah, I guess if you have outdoor plans or enjoy the sun shine then rainy days probably aren’t your thing, but rainy days are my cup of tea.
Anyway, so I dread running in the morning. I usually try to beat the sunrise because sometimes there aren’t any clouds when the sun peeks it’s head above the trees, and when there aren’t any clouds in the sky I feel weird.
I guess I feel more like an adult when I realize I’m awake at a normal hour and starting my day with the rest of normal civilization. It’s on days when the sky is clear that I realize that and I assume it’s because the clouds aren’t there to act as a distraction.
Don’t get me wrong, I love being outdoors on a “good weather day” but there is something about a clear sky that is not only boring but also unsettling.
I enjoyed my slosh on the track this morning and I wasn’t in a rush to get home before sunrise. It was pleasant and the forecast is calling for rain the entire week. It’s going to be a good week.
Three months. The move to Astoria is going to be crazy with a trip to Kansas City and Denver scheduled before I head west to Oregon, but I think I can manage not sleeping for a couple of weeks.
I’m just going to relax until shit hits the fan.
I’ve never seen a picture or video of my mom while she was pregnant with me-until tonight.
I’m so glad that my dad recorded almost every important moment in our lives and I’m so happy that he converted our VHS tapes to DVD.
Good dads and technology are fucking awesome.
Favorite Movies Night - my absolute favorite -The King’s Speech
Favorite Movies Night - Dan In Real Life
I keep reading quotes about positivity, and as each day passes I find myself hanging on to them more and more.
I’m making a big change soon and moving to Astoria, Oregon. The move and distance don’t scare me because I am in love with traveling and discovering, but the thought that something might happen to my family while I’m gone is paralyzing. I guess it’s a control thing.
My family was never close in a traditional family sense, but over the last couple of years we have all started to realize that we are family and we are all figuring out what that means. The one exception to those last statements is my father. I’ve always known who he was to me and what that meant.
I don’t know. I guess I’m terrified of losing my dad. I don’t talk to him everyday or see him everyday, but he is my compass, and I don’t know what I’m going to do when he is gone.
He emails me something almost every day. I can’t keep up so I have a folder of a couple of thousand emails from him over the years and I know that one day I’ll read them and find comfort in them when he is gone. (But I wouldn’t hesitate to delay that day for all eternity if I could.)
I’m going to miss him so much.
I dream about you from time to time, and sometimes a little person makes it’s way into the dream. Dreaming about you used to make me so depressed that I wouldn’t leave my house after I woke up. I would lose all control over my life the next day when you were in a dream from the night before. Now, the dreams are kind of nice, actually. It’s like hanging out with a friend you haven’t seen in forever for a couple of hours without having to say goodbye. (A couple of weeks ago you jumped in a pool I was doing yoga in and we started trying to one up each other doing tricks underwater. In the middle of a crazy only-in-a-dream moment, we discovered we could breathe underwater and we went searching for gold. Oh yeah, we totally found a Goonies style mountain of treasure. It was an awesome dream.)
—I know we made the right decision.—
The due date they gave me is coming up. Maybe that’s why I am writing this. Maybe I’m finally okay with letting go of the sonogram and the one reminder of what almost happened. I’m not sad about it and haven’t really thought about it in months, but I found it in my overnight bag that I never had to repack after I left your house for the last time. When I got home that night, I went inside to distract myself with sleep for as long as it took for everything to blow over, and that is where it has been sitting for the last 7 months-in the back of my car, pushed underneath my seat. (I found so many shirts I could have sworn were lost to the garment gods, not to mention my favorite perfume, and toothpaste that I am pretty sure was frozen several times this winter. I threw the toothpaste away.) The next time I needed a bag for a trip, I didn’t even think of the one shoved under my seat. I just went into my closet and pulled out the one I never unpacked when I found out I was pregnant while we were in Denver. (God damn, I don’t unpack anything apparently. I should probably go look in my suitcase now. I’ll probably find a shitload of treasured missing clothes.) (EDIT: found a bunch of clothes and a book I bought for you.)
—I know we made the right choice.—
After all of this time has passed, I’m still happy for you, and I’m happy for me. I’m glad that after our relationship ended we remained in touch. (even though it took me a couple of months to get to that point) I thought it wasn’t going to work, but as it turns out, it does. I’m okay with it and now, when you text me out of the blue, there aren’t any unresolved issues that come raging out of me. Simply put, it’s still nice to be your friend.
Anyway, you were right-we don’t resent each other and because of that we are still friends. I’m so fucking blessed to have met you. You brought so many smiles to my face and so many honest and good memories to my life.
You’ll always be the one bridge that I’m glad I didn’t burn.
And I’ll never forget trying to hide from you so you wouldn’t see my eyes grow brighter. There was no escaping the sun shine through the curtains, and there was no hiding from you as you pulled back the sheet. It was calm, and I was yours. That’s the exact moment I fell in love with you.